


a letter from home

by orphan_account



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-11
Updated: 2008-03-11
Packaged: 2017-10-11 16:03:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/114154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account





	a letter from home

Chuck came down from college at the very beginning of Eric's senior year. He looked good in his long, black coat, hair styled perfectly; he looked absolutely gorgeous. There was a glint of freedom in his eyes.

The first thing Chuck did when he came home was to give Lily a hug and Bart a manly pat on the back. Eric waited last in line, waited patiently, because if there was one thing Eric did well, it was to patiently wait in the shadows.

When Chuck hugged him, it wasn't one of those half-assed embraces men shared when they were trying to be butch; it was a real hug, a long one that smelled of aftershave and had the feeling of a warm hand on his spine. Eric took a deep breath and tried not to tear up at the relief in his chest. He hadn't seen Chuck since Christmas.

"We're going to go out, catch up," he said to Lily, voice strong, no longer breaking, and she smiled at them and waved them away, allowing them to stay as long as they wanted, wherever they wanted.

"She trusts you," Chuck said surprised.

"She has no reason not to."

Chuck accepted the rebuffal with the grace of a shot feline, bowing to the smirk on his own face. "Lead the way, then, kid."

Eric's eyebrows went up at the old nickname, but he didn't mention the slip, the wrongness of it, just walked out and towards the elevator, pressing the button down. Down, it was where they always went it seemed, except Chuck was no longer the damaged man-child he used to be and Eric... well. Eric was grown up. He knew. He'd seen himself in a mirror.

They rode in silence until the door pinged open, ground floor, exit. Chuck grabbed Eric's shoulder and said, "Talk to me, man."

Eric smiled. "I will. Let's find a quiet place."

They did find a café where before they would have chosen a bar, maybe some hotel lounge. Cafés were more intimate, Eric had found, and not just once. Serena had taught him that, when she'd first taken him, hand in hand with Dan, showing him how close one could be with so much space all around. It had been a long time since Eric had last felt suffocated.

"This is a nice place," Chuck commented, and for a second, Eric feared he might be missing the sarcasm, but there was none, not even in Chuck's hard eyes, just a sense of calm.

"It's my favourite," he replied casually.

"Take your boyfriends here?"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

"I asked, didn't I?"

"That was a serious question?"

"I don't ask any flippant ones."

"Then yes," Eric said. "And no."

There was a bit of a pause, a sleeper in their conversation, saved by the waitress, then Chuck said, "You're no Serena van der Woodsen," after they had ordered, both coffee, both black.

"I'm not my sister, you might have noticed," Eric replied coolly. "I'm lacking some things I make up for in other departments."

Chuck grinned.

"Why would you think I would want anything resembling your senior year happening to me?" Eric asked. "I'm good where I am."

"Quiet." Chuck nudged his hand on the table. "Unassuming. Completely underestimated."

"I've learned from the best."

"Not in the flying-under-the-radar department, you haven't." Chuck grinned, but it dropped off his face soon enough. "I'm just - I was wondering," he said. "Worrying, rather. How you were doing for yourself."

"I'm good," Eric said. "You're the last person I'd have expected to come down here to check up on me, though, Chuck. Seriously, you were always the only one who knew when to give me my space. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I was - no. It was nothing."

"Serena told you to come visit, didn't she." Eric accepted his cup of coffee with a gentle smile and a thank you for the waitress. Chuck didn't even look up, just waited for Eric to go on, analyzing. Eric was well-aware Chuck had always been able to see through him better than anyone else. Better than Serena ever did, because unlike Serena, Chuck was self-absorbed in a way that forced him to see himself through other people's eyes.

"She told me something," Chuck admitted when Eric didn't continue, contrary to his expectations.

"What did she say?"

"That you were lonely again."

Eric snorted. "And how would she notice?"

"She's here more often than I am, isn't she?"

"Every couple weeks," Eric admitted.

"Is it enough?"

Eric smiled. "It has to be."

Chuck gave him a look. "Bullshit."

"Frankly, it's none of your business."

"Why don't you call me about this shit, Eric?" Chuck said. "You call me to tell me about the most mundane things. I thought -"

"I don't - it's not easy, okay?" Eric glared at the table, trying to find the words. "I'm not a kid anymore, despite you wanting to call me that. I can deal now. I have to deal now."

"If you think I'm gonna sit by and watch while you slit your wrists for a second time -"

"I won't." Eric glared. "Fuck off."

"Like hell. Even your therapist says you're on a down-spiral -"

"You talked to my therapist?" Eric could feel his cheeks flare with heat from the anger lashing out of him. His stomach churned, contracted painfully.

"I spoke with her on the phone about a week ago, yes, but, Eric -"

Eric squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. He was not going to behave like the child Chuck expected him to be. He would not get up, empty his coffee into Chuck's lap and leave in a tantrum, because that was not the mature way to resolve a problem. With iron will-power, he regained his calm, shoving the disappointment out of his mind, and realized he'd missed most of what Chuck had said in the meantime, which couldn't have been much more important than what had been said until now.

"Look." He fought for a clear, smooth tone of voice. "If all you came down here for was to check whether poor little Eric is having a break-down again, you wasted a trip. I'm fine. School will start up again, I'll spend more time with people. No longer lonely, see? It's easy."

"Eric..."

"Oh, seriously, Chuck." Eric rolled his eyes. "Stop playing the overprotective brother, it doesn't suit you. You're not the responsible one. If anything, I would have expected Dan to be sitting opposite me with that kind of story, not you."

"You know what, you're right." Chuck looked him in the eye, unabashed. "And you know what else? This wasn't even my idea. Serena thought you might listen to me, and yes, Dan was worried too, and so was Lily. And they all think we have such a stellar relationship that we'd be able to drag it all out and fight it over a cup of coffee."

"Well, thank you for it, then," Eric said politely, drank his last sip and got up. "And for the concern. I'm fine. And I would like to go back home now, please."

"All right. We'll go."

"I didn't mean -"

"I know. But I don't have anywhere else to stay and I do still have a place to sleep in my father's apartment, don't I, Eric?"

"How long are you planning to stay then?" Eric grabbed his jacket and watched as Chuck left a twenty on the table.

"What, suddenly, you wanna get rid of me?"

"No. No, I just - I was just wondering."

"Why, got a new boyfriend coming over that you don't want me to see?"

"No, Chuck." Eric held the door open until Chuck was out and let it fall shut behind himself. "Not everything's about that, believe it or not."

"Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Chuck frowned. "Or at least a boy-toy. Isn't that all the hype right now, anyway? To have boy-toys?"

"I don't want one."

Chuck tugged on his scarf and put his arm around him for a friendly hug before he let go again. "You still hung up on Moore?"

"I wasn't in love with Moore, Chuck."

"Doesn't mean you can't still be hung up on him." Chuck smirked. "Have you at least gotten him back good and proper for breaking your heart? Because I can totally do it, you know? God, I miss high school."

"He did not break my heart, Chuck, and let's not talk about Moore, okay?"

"He did break up with you though, right? You did tell me that bit, I remember that."

"Chuck, didn't we also agree we'd not speak about him again?"

"Well, you didn't want to talk about your depression, so we're talking boyfriends now," Chuck grinned. "C'mon, Eric. Give me the newest gossip. Is there even something like Gossip Girl around in your senior class?"

"Oh, yes. But there aren't many scandalous things going on."

"And here I thought every senior class would have its very own Blair Waldorf to make sure there were scandals around for the common people to enjoy." Chuck glanced at the sky. "The weather is shitty. Is it just me or is it going to rain in a few minutes?"

"Maybe we'll make it. If not, we can catch a cab."

"We'll walk. I like walking in the rain. It's refreshing."

Eric glanced up at Chuck and caught his satisfied smile, like a well-fed cat, licking its lips after a bowl of milk and a fight with a mouse it had won. "I don't want to get wet," he commented.

"Why did he break up with you, Eric?"

"What?"

"Don't play dumb." Chuck touched his jaw gently, drawing his attention back, and he was still about an inch taller than Eric; Eric had always thought he'd grow taller than Chuck at some point. It was in his genes, he knew, but it still hadn't happened.

"It was complicated," he said.

"I don't believe you." Chuck's gaze was wary. "There is nothing you do that would result in anything that can be labelled complicated, aside from trying to kill yourself. And we've already established that that was out of character."

"I didn't want to have sex, Chuck."

"What?"

"Who's the one playing dumb now?" Eric raised his eyebrows, challenging.

"Weren't you guys together for like, a year or something?" Chuck asked.

"So?"

"You never -?"

Eric could feel himself blush, this time from embarrassment. "We did some stuff," he shrugged, trying to play it off. "But I didn't want to. He got tired of me saying no."

Chuck regarded him stonily.

"What?"

"He was kind of a good guy, wasn't he?"

"Yes."

"Why -"

"Would you drop it? It just didn't feel right!"

Chuck snorted. "Believe me, kid, sex always feels right."

"That's not what I meant, and you know it."

"So why?" Chuck spread his hands before himself. "Really, I don't understand."

"Because, moron, I was - am - in love with someone else."

Chuck shot him an incredulous look. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Is that where the momentary depression down-spiral is stemming from? He doesn't love you back?"

"Chuck."

"Who's the guy?"

"Chuck, you really don't -"

"No, I want to know. Seriously, if he isn't gay, maybe we can make him see reason -"

"Chuck, shut up."

Chuck grabbed his arm and pulled him from the corner back into the side street, further towards the building walls towering, leaned against it as he held on. "Eric," he said. "Just spit it out. It can't be worse than outing yourself to me by telling me you have a crush on George Clooney."

"Everyone has a crush on George Clooney," Eric muttered.

Chuck frowned. "You have somewhat of a point there." Then he straightened and didn't let go of Eric's arm even though Eric tried to yank free. "But. No distracting. Eric. You can tell me, okay?"

"Because I tell you everything?" Eric scoffed. "It's not a rule, you know? It's just something I do sometimes because you're a good listener."

"Thank you."

Eric ignored his smug expression. "You're right in this, though. Honesty has always been the best route for me; lying's just complicating things," he said quickly. "It's... I never said anything because I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but you'll see how this is your own fault for pushing me, so I'll just say it." He took a deep breath. "I've been in love with you since I was fourteen years old. At least. Maybe even before that. I don't know, Chuck, you must have noticed something? No? But I guess - well, the brother thing kind of made it easier to misunderstand, maybe."

"No, I -" Chuck let go of his arm, finally and shifted, not quite uncomfortable, but not quite comfortable either. "I figured you might. I thought you had a crush or something, but it can't be more than that, you know that, right?"

"Yes," Eric said. "And no."

"Eric -"

"I'm not your brother," Eric insisted. "And I'm certainly not your kid brother. I know what I feel." He took a deep breath and looked Chuck in the eye. "I just wish you knew what you felt."

Chuck stared for a few seconds, then he detached himself from the wall and they started walking again towards the apartment, down the street, passing the corner turn and the lights. They didn't say another word until they were at the gate, and even then, Chuck waited until they were inside the building to say, "I know what I feel."

Eric didn't seem fazed.

"You're not going to like it."

Eric pressed the button for the elevator, as he always did whenever they rode it together, because it was their thing: Eric always pressed the button, and Chuck always pushed him inside by placing his hand on his lower back.

Chuck didn't hesitate this time either, not a second, when the doors opened with a ping. His hand was warm on Eric's back.

"I don't mind," Eric said, just before they were back through the door, back in their home. "I can wait."

They locked eyes and Eric could see that Chuck was thinking the exact same thing he was thinking; they both knew that Eric was patient. It was just that neither of them were laying any bets on how long the wait would be, this time.

~*~

~~ _written in March 2008_


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